My profile

I’m a 38 year old male who has had SA (social anxiety )for as long as I can remember. This condition made life very hard and unbearable at times. It is also a very hidden condition and people don’t realise how much effect it can have on a persons daily life.

One of the consequences of having this condition was that I never really made any close lasting friends at school. Although I wasn’t seen as a loner I felt it most of the time . Most of the people who i knew were friends of my cousins that happened to be in the same school as me. I never really got to develop any friendships at my school. This was very hard to bear because everyone around me seemed to make friends quite easily and meeting up with friends after school or at the weekend etc but I spent most of my time doing my homework or watching tv by myself. My parents just left me to my own devices. I guess probably thinking that i didn’t want to be playing out or else I would make friends etc. They must have thought I enjoyed being by myself and liked studying so much ..they were just happy with me spending time on my studies.

My childhood was very difficult and teenage years even worst as i was anxious and worried in most of the situations that i came across whether it was in the play ground, classroom, shopping or at home with my family. I felt afraid of many everyday situations and i couldnt understand it. The chronic self-consciousness i felt was truly unbelievable that I couldn’t even describe the feeling. I knew that it wasn’t normal. I was afraid to talk to anyone about it as well because i thought that people would think i was mad if i told them honestly what I felt. I could not talk to anyone because I never had a relationship in which I felt I was able to talk about this kind of things. The fear of embarrassment was so strong that I could not put myself in any situation in which some one may make fun of my feelings or thoughts because they were so irrational. This meant that I was unable to talk anyone at all..not even my family etc.

At school I felt i had no social skills and would hang about by myself watching other kids unless they invited me to play with them which wasn’t very often. The teachers were very happy with me because i did what ever they asked of but did notice that I was quiet. I would rarely participate in class discussions or volunteer to answer a question even though i knew the answer to a question etc. It was too difficult to attracted any form of attention from teachers or other pupil. If I was put on the spot by a teacher it felt like I want to quickly answer the question and get it over and done so the amount of time that people would be paying any attention on me would be minimal. This strong fear of avoiding any form of attention was another thing which affected me in many different situations.

I was subject to some bullying due to being quiet and withdrawn but this was minor compared to the racist comments and abuse from other pupils at my school. At the time there was only a hand full of non white pupils at the school. Even being in this environment and facing racism as a child I think the impact of negative feelings due to the anxiety disorder far out weighed the impact of racist abuse.

Due to lack of friends, which resulted in a virtually non existent social life, and parental pressure I did really well academically and ended up in university ( i felt that was the only thing i was expected to do). I did a degree in Computing which I found very difficult to do but once i had started I didn’t want to change once because I made a couple friends at university. It felt really good to have some friends, at last, although they never knew about my problems and the SA was strong as ever. I didn’t know how to build upon that friendship so I felt isolated most of the time. The patterns were similar as earlier childhood. Daily life at university was very draining and I was constantly tired and stressed out but i kept pushing myself through it.

Anyway I did get through university(somehow) . When I tried to find jobs this seemed impossible due the my nervousness in interviews etc but I had some sort of determination and felt I couldn’t let my parents down so I kept trying . Eventually I did find a graduate job only to lose it after six months because of Social Anxiety, although I didn’t know it at the time. I just felt awkward, tired, stressed out and i couldn’t sleep at all. I didn’t really enjoy anything in my life. The same thing happened three times over a period of three years I kept finding jobs (after lots & lots of interview attempts) then I kept losing them after some months. Then I decided that I REALLY needed to do something.

I took time out and did voluntary work…tai chi, yoga ,relaxation exercises ,joined the National Phobics Society , hypnotherapy…got my sleeping patterns back, but I still didn’t know that i had Social anxiety, i though it was just me or possibly my personality. I wasn’t really facing up to it to be honest.

Its only in the last few years that I’ve really began to understand my SA properly and have been trying to do something about more actively. I have been to see a clinical psychologist to do CBT, this has also helped in some respects although I’m by no means cured .I have also have been attending support group in Manchester which has been really good. The support group has been the best thing that has helped so far . There is no substitute for support and understanding of other sufferers. If anyone wants to email mail me and share problems etc please free to do so.

My interests include music (various types including R’n’B, Dance, Pop and Soul) , travelling (when I feel well & can afford it !!). I have been to Turkey, Spain and Greece in last few years. I also like computing and technology generally. I have also become more interested in psychology and Alternative & complementary therapies over the last few years.

Since 2001 I have been working in an open plan office based environment which has been quite anxiety provoking but the work is quite easy( but boring) & the hours have been flexible so I have managed to get through most of the days. Recently i have been taking too much time off(due to anxious feelings) and i’m not sure what is gonna happen about it, it’s causing me sleepless nights again. Even when I sleep well and get to work the day can be very challenging. I still don’t know how long this job will last as it can be very boring , anxiety provoking and I have had lots of sick days. I don’t have any friends there but I’m taking it one day at a time.The people are quite friendly but i find it hard to talk to them. I just focus on my work.

Anyway, I think that’s enough about me for now if anyone wants to contact me then please do so ..also if you have any comments to make about my ramblings they will be much appreciated .It would be great to make some more understanding friends out there in the big wide world…it still seems a scary prospect.

The Daily SA Struggle – written in march 2003

Usually I wake up feeling very lethargic and with a ‘foggy/muzzy' head just like most mornings. My throat feels really sore as if I've a cold and my nose is slightly runny. I have to clear my throat and nose. I feel I have no energy to get out of bed. I t takes me around an hour to get the motivation and energy together to get out of bed to face he world.  My head feels dizzy sometimes so I try not to rush too much. I don’t have many clothes that are already ironed and ready to wear so it doesn’t take long for me to get dressed.

My short term memory is very bad especially in the morning, so if I don’t have everything I need on top of the drawer next to my bed,  I will forget to take it with me.  I forget get my watch and or mobile phone many times although i am getting in the habit of taking them more often now.

i hate brushing my teeth and having a shower feels like a major chore. My taste buds are so sensitive that even toothpaste can make me feel sick. After this ordeal is over i feel a bit better and more alert then its time to eat something. I feel i need to have a hot drink and usually have tea.   This seems to help me to become more able to focus and clear headed although it still takes a while for it to work.

  I don’t have much time for breakfast mainly  because of the time spent in bed getting the energy and motivation to get up also well as the lack of appetite and nausea feelings that are stronger in the morning. Making breakfast , which usually consists of tea and some toast (if i feel up to it ) , can be a frustrating process. I will forget if I’ve already put sugar in the tea or not , only seconds after doing it. Sometimes I will forget why I opened the fridge and will need to think why. Every action seems to require a lot of effort and my head feels it can only operate in a slow capacity . My mind / brain seems to  works in slow motion.

After the cup of tea my head becomes a bit more clearer and it seems to feel lighter.

Doing my hair etc  is another chore that i feel i must do.

I cannot leave without doing it because I may look untidy  and that would attract attention and possible criticism .I don’t feel relaxed and  I’m rushing to finish the tea get to the bus stop its usually past 9.00am at this stage and I want to get to work as early as possible.

 Walking out I’m conscious about who’s on the street and will I have to walk past people that I know. I may have to say something to them like ‘good morning’ which scares me. .What will  they say ?..what will they think??  Some days these thoughts are stronger than others.

I will not make eye contact with people at the bus stop I case they may start a conversation .. at this time of morning its extremely hard to do small talk. Especially with strangers. Occasionally i will meet someday i know and i have a conversation with them and try not to be seen to be rude or ignorant.

 On a bad day I will get very agitated if the bus doesn’t arrive in a couple of minutes  as I feel so impatient . I try to relax by looking at the traffic driving past and think about the cars that I like. This helps sometimes. As soon as bus comes I’m very conscious again of all the people and where my position in the queue is. I don’t want to  be told off for pushing in etc

 Even before the bus arrives I have to make sure i have my bus pass in my hand so I don’t end up looking for it in front of the driver and appearing stupid or holding up the people behind me. Each second in this type of situation seems like an eternity.

 Once on the bus I quickly look around and hope to see an empty seat…and  quickly get  the nearest empty one. As the bus moves I’m conscious of the all the people who get on and off the bus. (not really sure why???) . As I get off the bus and walk to my work place . I’m conscious of the traffic and people that may see me from their car. My mind tries to work out what they might me thinking?? I try to dismiss these thoughts but sometimes they can get my attention for too long .

 Sometimes I see people coming out of my work building and I panic because  I will have to talk to them /  acknowledge them and say hello/good morning. Thoughts go though my mind…what do I say?, shall I smile ..how do I smile??? It usually turns out that they will say the first words I just try my best to smile and quickly walk past. Its very difficult to maintain a conversation at this time and sometimes I find myself trapped because the person coming out of the building may  initiate a conversation I don’t want to appear to be rude but I don’t feel able to talk either so I try to end the conversation as quickly as possible.

 As I walk into the building I need to show my security pass at two places and this is quite anxiety provoking. I need to make eye contact and possibly have to say hello/ good morning to them and I can’t walk past without making eye contact. Even though I have walked  past them every day its still difficult after 4 years of working there!!

As I get into the lift I’m hoping no one else enters . I can get anxious in the lift when there is a silence  but I don’t want any one to start a conversation with me either!!!. I want to kinda save my energy to talk to my colleagues in my department whom i cannot avoid.

When I get to my department, I have to say hello/good morning to my work colleagues ..i feel panicky about :how to do this ? who to talk to ?; who to make eye contact with?

I quickly say hello to people that are directly looking at me and sit down on my seat hoping that other people have heard me too.

My head usually feels better by this time than it did when I first opened my eyes although its still quite slow thinking. It takes a good few hours for me to feel clear headed.

My work involves clerical administration and answering phone queries to external customers.  I think I cope quite well with the work considering the anxiety levels I go through. I get anxious periods through out the day depending on the tasks that I’m doing . 

I find it very difficult to initiate conversation about other topics apart from work. I tend to get focused on my work. This helps me  not think about all the negative thoughts floating around my head. I work with a team of 10 people and generally able to  talk to them if i need to ask them things regarding my work.

I generally have various degrees of headaches ranging from migraine to just a muzzy heavy head . These seem to the result of tension building up from the anxiety and stress of being in the working environment  and being so self conscious of everything and everyone around me for so long.

I find really hard to get through are the lunch breaks and tea breaks in win which I may have to make small talk with people. I feel I don’t know what to talk about…who to talk to?? ..I generally tend to rely on other people to make up most of the conversation.

I don’t usually have more than half hour lunch break because I don’t know what to do in that time apart from eat some sandwiches which doesn’t take long.

 The whole day seems to feel very tiring because of the anxious moments and thoughts throughout the day while I’m trying to appear very calm and collected  with other colleagues and customers etc.

When I finish a days work there is a sense of relief but I have to go through the process of saying goodbye and see you later to work colleagues and its just as hard as it was when I first started !!!…Getting their attention and saying is so energy draining. I quickly say it to people who are already are looking at me and start to walk out .

Going can be just as hard as entering the building as I may bump into other colleagues etc and may need to have conversation etc.

  I’m feel so tired that I feel all I want to do is go home and rest and sleep !!.

Sometimes I can mange to do some other activity in the evening but its very hard to find the extra energy.

 The process starts again !the next day!!.