My profile
I’m a 38 year old male who has had SA (social anxiety )for as long as I can remember. This condition made life very hard and unbearable at times. It is also a very hidden condition and people don’t realise how much effect it can have on a persons daily life.
One of the consequences of having this condition was that I never really made any close lasting friends at school. Although I wasn’t seen as a loner I felt it most of the time . Most of the people who i knew were friends of my cousins that happened to be in the same school as me. I never really got to develop any friendships at my school. This was very hard to bear because everyone around me seemed to make friends quite easily and meeting up with friends after school or at the weekend etc but I spent most of my time doing my homework or watching tv by myself. My parents just left me to my own devices. I guess probably thinking that i didn’t want to be playing out or else I would make friends etc. They must have thought I enjoyed being by myself and liked studying so much ..they were just happy with me spending time on my studies.
My childhood was very difficult and teenage years even worst as i was anxious and worried in most of the situations that i came across whether it was in the play ground, classroom, shopping or at home with my family. I felt afraid of many everyday situations and i couldnt understand it. The chronic self-consciousness i felt was truly unbelievable that I couldn’t even describe the feeling. I knew that it wasn’t normal. I was afraid to talk to anyone about it as well because i thought that people would think i was mad if i told them honestly what I felt. I could not talk to anyone because I never had a relationship in which I felt I was able to talk about this kind of things. The fear of embarrassment was so strong that I could not put myself in any situation in which some one may make fun of my feelings or thoughts because they were so irrational. This meant that I was unable to talk anyone at all..not even my family etc.
At school I felt i had no social skills and would hang about by myself watching other kids unless they invited me to play with them which wasn’t very often. The teachers were very happy with me because i did what ever they asked of but did notice that I was quiet. I would rarely participate in class discussions or volunteer to answer a question even though i knew the answer to a question etc. It was too difficult to attracted any form of attention from teachers or other pupil. If I was put on the spot by a teacher it felt like I want to quickly answer the question and get it over and done so the amount of time that people would be paying any attention on me would be minimal. This strong fear of avoiding any form of attention was another thing which affected me in many different situations.
I was subject to some bullying due to being quiet and withdrawn but this was minor compared to the racist comments and abuse from other pupils at my school. At the time there was only a hand full of non white pupils at the school. Even being in this environment and facing racism as a child I think the impact of negative feelings due to the anxiety disorder far out weighed the impact of racist abuse.
Due to lack of friends, which resulted in a virtually non existent social life, and parental pressure I did really well academically and ended up in university ( i felt that was the only thing i was expected to do). I did a degree in Computing which I found very difficult to do but once i had started I didn’t want to change once because I made a couple friends at university. It felt really good to have some friends, at last, although they never knew about my problems and the SA was strong as ever. I didn’t know how to build upon that friendship so I felt isolated most of the time. The patterns were similar as earlier childhood. Daily life at university was very draining and I was constantly tired and stressed out but i kept pushing myself through it.
Anyway I did get through university(somehow) . When I tried to find jobs this seemed impossible due the my nervousness in interviews etc but I had some sort of determination and felt I couldn’t let my parents down so I kept trying . Eventually I did find a graduate job only to lose it after six months because of Social Anxiety, although I didn’t know it at the time. I just felt awkward, tired, stressed out and i couldn’t sleep at all. I didn’t really enjoy anything in my life. The same thing happened three times over a period of three years I kept finding jobs (after lots & lots of interview attempts) then I kept losing them after some months. Then I decided that I REALLY needed to do something.
I took time out and did voluntary work…tai chi, yoga ,relaxation exercises ,joined the National Phobics Society , hypnotherapy…got my sleeping patterns back, but I still didn’t know that i had Social anxiety, i though it was just me or possibly my personality. I wasn’t really facing up to it to be honest.
Its only in the last few years that I’ve really began to understand my SA properly and have been trying to do something about more actively. I have been to see a clinical psychologist to do CBT, this has also helped in some respects although I’m by no means cured .I have also have been attending support group in Manchester which has been really good. The support group has been the best thing that has helped so far . There is no substitute for support and understanding of other sufferers. If anyone wants to email mail me and share problems etc please free to do so.
My interests include music (various types including R’n’B, Dance, Pop and Soul) , travelling (when I feel well & can afford it !!). I have been to Turkey, Spain and Greece in last few years. I also like computing and technology generally. I have also become more interested in psychology and Alternative & complementary therapies over the last few years.
Since 2001 I have been working in an open plan office based environment which has been quite anxiety provoking but the work is quite easy( but boring) & the hours have been flexible so I have managed to get through most of the days. Recently i have been taking too much time off(due to anxious feelings) and i’m not sure what is gonna happen about it, it’s causing me sleepless nights again. Even when I sleep well and get to work the day can be very challenging. I still don’t know how long this job will last as it can be very boring , anxiety provoking and I have had lots of sick days. I don’t have any friends there but I’m taking it one day at a time.The people are quite friendly but i find it hard to talk to them. I just focus on my work.
Anyway, I think that’s enough about me for now if anyone wants to contact me then please do so ..also if you have any comments to make about my ramblings they will be much appreciated .It would be great to make some more understanding friends out there in the big wide world…it still seems a scary prospect.
