My SA Experience
My SA Experience
One of the most challenging aspects of having this disorder is that of getting people to gain an understanding of what it feels like to have this condition and more importantly, what it’s like living with it on a day to day basis.
Personally I have always thought that if the people around me (family, friends and colleagues ) understood what I felt and they knew the reasons behind some of my behaviour patterns then they may judge me less ‘harshly’ and I can ‘fit in’ more easily. This way of thinking hasn’t helped me much because alot of people don’t quite understood the core issues related to SA and cannot relate my behaviour to the underlying core issues etc.
A lot of people are sympathetic and are willing to listen but fail to realize how the underlying core SA issues underpin most areas of my life. Some people can understand the situations in which I can feel anxious because they may have had experience of some anxiety in those particular situations e.g driving test, job interview etc. The anxiety that most people feel in these specific situations is not the same as the the feelings/ thoughts / negatives beliefs that SA brings about on a daily basis. The SA has a more long term and more damaging effect on a persons life.
Living with SA I’m constantly feeling on edge (and also trying hard to appear calm & collected too depending on the situation). There is a always a fear of something really bad ( such as big humiliation, some sort of rejection or shaming) that may happen. The fear may be due to the possibility making a mistake, even a small mistake, in front of people. The feelings associated with this ‘mistake’ are soo hugely exaggerated that they are overwhelming to me. These feelings occur on a daily basis and cause me more physical discomfort like headaches, migraines and chronic fatigue. Sometimes I will avoid situations so I don’t have to endure these feelings. Being in a virtually constant state of alert for an invisible enemy that may never arrive is very hard to describe to people who have no experience of these type of feelings etc.
When I’m around people , as well as having a constant negative self talk that has become so automatic and natural, I am also trying to interact in social or workplace environments. This is quiet a stressful task and and although I may appear to be quite able to deal with alot of the time it is exhausting when I’m doing it for long periods or many times over a day etc. Over the years I have learned to various ways of coping and dealing with situations to reduce ‘stress’ in these situations etc. Sometimes I may end a conversation quickky or abruptly other times I may just be really quiet or just avoid the situation/person etc. In some situations I may feel really anxious and frightened but If I tell people about how I really feel would bring me more attention and more anxiety etc Its too frightening to allow this to happen so I endure the feelings with out the extra attention & stress. It seems like the lesser of two evils.
There has been times in the past where i have put of with really physical pains/ symptoms etc and kept really calm so that I don’t attract any more attention. The fear of having more attention and potentially more people looking at me overides the need to release the pain by screaming or shouting etc…like most people would.
