Living in a Bubble
Living in a Bubble
The experience of having something that affects many areas of a person’s life for such a long time sometimes feels like living in a kind of invisible bubble which sucks the enjoyment out of many everyday events, social interactions with people. Things which people generally find pleasant ant enjoyable become such draining and without much ‘meaning’ . This ‘bubble’ surrounds me everyday and all day, having a negative effect on my daily interactions. When there are no people about the effect is reduced but it still exists and i do feel it. No matter how hard i try to ignore or try to put a positive spin on my thoughts this feeling still persists, Although some days are better than others and some interactions are more enjoyable than others ..there’s always this kind of cloud of negativity sucking the life of the experience from me.
It makes it hard to live in the present moment when there is a constant stream of negative and anxiety provoking thoughts. At some p[pints during the day I am able to focus more on the particular task I’m doing but those moments are rare and don’t last very long. most of the time I struggle to keep focused on what I’m doing and feel very self-conscious and inadequate. Feeling like this most of the day can be very draining experience and i feel mentally drained and physically tired. Other times i just feel quite stressed and tense. Although i try to maintain a positive exterior I rarely feel positive.
It seems that no matter how much I push myself I can#t break out of this bubble. The bubble stretches and encompasses all my interactions even when i push myself into situations where i don’t feel comfortable. The bubble just kind of moulds itself into which ever situation I seem to be dealing at the time. Even when i#m with people who i have known for many years like my family ..i can feel very self-conscious around them and fear being judged or put on the spot by them.Also i feel I must have their ‘approval’ at all costs all of the time..which is impossible and leads to more anxiety in my mind. These feelings could come at any kind of family gathering or even when just watching tv with my immediate family. I don’t want to put in any sort of situation which I think is embarrassing or will be shameful in front of people. I want to avoid any negative emotions in front of people too because they could lead to other feelings/emotions that i could not possibly deal with.
When I#’with people there is a strong desire to be agreeable with people and not to have any strong opinion as that would attract attention to me and I cannot cope with more attention. For me to have a disagreement or difference of opinion is like having a massive augment..the fear of confrontation is a strong one and i would agree to anything anyone says if that means avoiding a potential confrontation. Occasionally i can express a different point of view or opinion against other people but it is quite rare and usually only with ‘safe’ people and ‘safe’ topics. I consider safe people to be people who have given me extra reassurances by their actions or told me explicitly somehow that its ok to express my opinion and that I don’t need to fear them Topically these are people who are either really sensitive to my needs, or people with very good ppl skills or people who know about my issues. They can be strangers that i feel comfortable around or ppl i have known for many ears and somehow i don’t feel too anxious around them and feel i can be myself. Most ppl that I come across don’t offer this kind of ‘feeling’ and re assurance and i can’t express myself properly or easily to them. My social anxiety is effectively reduced around sensitive, understanding people but goes back to normal for most people. It can be a very changing and dynamic feeling I get around different people. Unfortunately though I find that I’m anxious around majority of people and I don’t feel in control. maybe I’ll learn to control It more in the future or even burst the bubble ..now that would be something to look forward to.
