My profile

I’m a 38 year old male who has had SA (social anxiety )for as long as I can remember. This condition made life very hard and unbearable at times. It is also a very hidden condition and people don’t realise how much effect it can have on a persons daily life.

One of the consequences of having this condition was that I never really made any close lasting friends at school. Although I wasn’t seen as a loner I felt it most of the time . Most of the people who i knew were friends of my cousins that happened to be in the same school as me. I never really got to develop any friendships at my school. This was very hard to bear because everyone around me seemed to make friends quite easily and meeting up with friends after school or at the weekend etc but I spent most of my time doing my homework or watching tv by myself. My parents just left me to my own devices. I guess probably thinking that i didn’t want to be playing out or else I would make friends etc. They must have thought I enjoyed being by myself and liked studying so much ..they were just happy with me spending time on my studies.

My childhood was very difficult and teenage years even worst as i was anxious and worried in most of the situations that i came across whether it was in the play ground, classroom, shopping or at home with my family. I felt afraid of many everyday situations and i couldnt understand it. The chronic self-consciousness i felt was truly unbelievable that I couldn’t even describe the feeling. I knew that it wasn’t normal. I was afraid to talk to anyone about it as well because i thought that people would think i was mad if i told them honestly what I felt. I could not talk to anyone because I never had a relationship in which I felt I was able to talk about this kind of things. The fear of embarrassment was so strong that I could not put myself in any situation in which some one may make fun of my feelings or thoughts because they were so irrational. This meant that I was unable to talk anyone at all..not even my family etc.

At school I felt i had no social skills and would hang about by myself watching other kids unless they invited me to play with them which wasn’t very often. The teachers were very happy with me because i did what ever they asked of but did notice that I was quiet. I would rarely participate in class discussions or volunteer to answer a question even though i knew the answer to a question etc. It was too difficult to attracted any form of attention from teachers or other pupil. If I was put on the spot by a teacher it felt like I want to quickly answer the question and get it over and done so the amount of time that people would be paying any attention on me would be minimal. This strong fear of avoiding any form of attention was another thing which affected me in many different situations.

I was subject to some bullying due to being quiet and withdrawn but this was minor compared to the racist comments and abuse from other pupils at my school. At the time there was only a hand full of non white pupils at the school. Even being in this environment and facing racism as a child I think the impact of negative feelings due to the anxiety disorder far out weighed the impact of racist abuse.

Due to lack of friends, which resulted in a virtually non existent social life, and parental pressure I did really well academically and ended up in university ( i felt that was the only thing i was expected to do). I did a degree in Computing which I found very difficult to do but once i had started I didn’t want to change once because I made a couple friends at university. It felt really good to have some friends, at last, although they never knew about my problems and the SA was strong as ever. I didn’t know how to build upon that friendship so I felt isolated most of the time. The patterns were similar as earlier childhood. Daily life at university was very draining and I was constantly tired and stressed out but i kept pushing myself through it.

Anyway I did get through university(somehow) . When I tried to find jobs this seemed impossible due the my nervousness in interviews etc but I had some sort of determination and felt I couldn’t let my parents down so I kept trying . Eventually I did find a graduate job only to lose it after six months because of Social Anxiety, although I didn’t know it at the time. I just felt awkward, tired, stressed out and i couldn’t sleep at all. I didn’t really enjoy anything in my life. The same thing happened three times over a period of three years I kept finding jobs (after lots & lots of interview attempts) then I kept losing them after some months. Then I decided that I REALLY needed to do something.

I took time out and did voluntary work…tai chi, yoga ,relaxation exercises ,joined the National Phobics Society , hypnotherapy…got my sleeping patterns back, but I still didn’t know that i had Social anxiety, i though it was just me or possibly my personality. I wasn’t really facing up to it to be honest.

Its only in the last few years that I’ve really began to understand my SA properly and have been trying to do something about more actively. I have been to see a clinical psychologist to do CBT, this has also helped in some respects although I’m by no means cured .I have also have been attending support group in Manchester which has been really good. The support group has been the best thing that has helped so far . There is no substitute for support and understanding of other sufferers. If anyone wants to email mail me and share problems etc please free to do so.

My interests include music (various types including R’n’B, Dance, Pop and Soul) , travelling (when I feel well & can afford it !!). I have been to Turkey, Spain and Greece in last few years. I also like computing and technology generally. I have also become more interested in psychology and Alternative & complementary therapies over the last few years.

Since 2001 I have been working in an open plan office based environment which has been quite anxiety provoking but the work is quite easy( but boring) & the hours have been flexible so I have managed to get through most of the days. Recently i have been taking too much time off(due to anxious feelings) and i’m not sure what is gonna happen about it, it’s causing me sleepless nights again. Even when I sleep well and get to work the day can be very challenging. I still don’t know how long this job will last as it can be very boring , anxiety provoking and I have had lots of sick days. I don’t have any friends there but I’m taking it one day at a time.The people are quite friendly but i find it hard to talk to them. I just focus on my work.

Anyway, I think that’s enough about me for now if anyone wants to contact me then please do so ..also if you have any comments to make about my ramblings they will be much appreciated .It would be great to make some more understanding friends out there in the big wide world…it still seems a scary prospect.

My SA Experience

My SA Experience

One of the most challenging aspects of having this disorder is that of getting people to gain an understanding of what it feels like to have this condition and more importantly, what it’s like living with it on a day to day basis.

Personally I have always thought that if the people around me (family, friends and colleagues ) understood what I felt and they knew the reasons behind some of my behaviour patterns then they may judge me less ‘harshly’ and I can ‘fit in’ more easily. This way of thinking hasn’t helped me much because alot of people don’t quite understood the core issues related to SA and cannot relate my behaviour to the underlying core issues etc.

A lot of people are sympathetic and are willing to listen but fail to realize how the underlying core SA issues underpin most areas of my life. Some people can understand the situations in which I can feel anxious because they may have had experience of some anxiety in those particular situations e.g driving test, job interview etc. The anxiety that most people feel in these specific situations is not the same as the the feelings/ thoughts / negatives beliefs that SA brings about on a daily basis. The SA has a more long term and more damaging effect on a persons life.

Living with SA I’m constantly feeling on edge (and also trying hard to appear calm & collected too depending on the situation). There is a always a fear of something really bad ( such as big humiliation, some sort of rejection or shaming) that may happen. The fear may be due to the possibility making a mistake, even a small mistake, in front of people. The feelings associated with this ‘mistake’ are soo hugely exaggerated that they are overwhelming to me. These feelings occur on a daily basis and cause me more physical discomfort like headaches, migraines and chronic fatigue. Sometimes I will avoid situations so I don’t have to endure these feelings. Being in a virtually constant state of alert for an invisible enemy that may never arrive is very hard to describe to people who have no experience of these type of feelings etc.

When I’m around people , as well as having a constant negative self talk that has become so automatic and natural, I am also trying to interact in social or workplace environments. This is quiet a stressful task and and although I may appear to be quite able to deal with alot of the time it is exhausting when I’m doing it for long periods or many times over a day etc. Over the years I have learned to various ways of coping and dealing with situations to reduce ‘stress’ in these situations etc. Sometimes I may end a conversation quickky or abruptly other times I may just be really quiet or just avoid the situation/person etc. In some situations I may feel really anxious and frightened but If I tell people about how I really feel would bring me more attention and more anxiety etc Its too frightening to allow this to happen so I endure the feelings with out the extra attention & stress. It seems like the lesser of two evils.

There has been times in the past where i have put of with really physical pains/ symptoms etc and kept really calm so that I don’t attract any more attention. The fear of having more attention and potentially more people looking at me overides the need to release the pain by screaming or shouting etc…like most people would.

Living in a Bubble

Living in a Bubble

The experience of having something that affects many areas of a person’s life for such a long time sometimes feels like living in a kind of invisible bubble which sucks the enjoyment out of many everyday events, social interactions with people. Things which people generally find pleasant ant enjoyable become such draining and without much ‘meaning’ . This ‘bubble’ surrounds me everyday and all day, having a negative effect on my daily interactions. When there are no people about the effect is reduced but it still exists and i do feel it. No matter how hard i try to ignore or try to put a positive spin on my thoughts this feeling still persists, Although some days are better than others and some interactions are more enjoyable than others ..there’s always this kind of cloud of negativity sucking the life of the experience from me.

It makes it hard to live in the present moment when there is a constant stream of negative and anxiety provoking thoughts. At some p[pints during the day I am able to focus more on the particular task I’m doing but those moments are rare and don’t last very long. most of the time I struggle to keep focused on what I’m doing and feel very self-conscious and inadequate. Feeling like this most of the day can be very draining experience and i feel mentally drained and physically tired. Other times i just feel quite stressed and tense. Although i try to maintain a positive exterior I rarely feel positive.

It seems that no matter how much I push myself I can#t break out of this bubble. The bubble stretches and encompasses all my interactions even when i push myself into situations where i don’t feel comfortable. The bubble just kind of moulds itself into which ever situation I seem to be dealing at the time. Even when i#m with people who i have known for many years like my family ..i can feel very self-conscious around them and fear being judged or put on the spot by them.Also i feel I must have their ‘approval’ at all costs all of the time..which is impossible and leads to more anxiety in my mind. These feelings could come at any kind of family gathering or even when just watching tv with my immediate family. I don’t want to put in any sort of situation which I think is embarrassing or will be shameful in front of people. I want to avoid any negative emotions in front of people too because they could lead to other feelings/emotions that i could not possibly deal with.

When I#’with people there is a strong desire to be agreeable with people and not to have any strong opinion as that would attract attention to me and I cannot cope with more attention. For me to have a disagreement or difference of opinion is like having a massive augment..the fear of confrontation is a strong one and i would agree to anything anyone says if that means avoiding a potential confrontation. Occasionally i can express a different point of view or opinion against other people but it is quite rare and usually only with ‘safe’ people and ‘safe’ topics. I consider safe people to be people who have given me extra reassurances by their actions or told me explicitly somehow that its ok to express my opinion and that I don’t need to fear them Topically these are people who are either really sensitive to my needs, or people with very good ppl skills or people who know about my issues. They can be strangers that i feel comfortable around or ppl i have known for many ears and somehow i don’t feel too anxious around them and feel i can be myself. Most ppl that I come across don’t offer this kind of ‘feeling’ and re assurance and i can’t express myself properly or easily to them. My social anxiety is effectively reduced around sensitive, understanding people but goes back to normal for most people. It can be a very changing and dynamic feeling I get around different people. Unfortunately though I find that I’m anxious around majority of people and I don’t feel in control. maybe I’ll learn to control It more in the future or even burst the bubble ..now that would be something to look forward to.